In God We Trust
Case Study: Jeanene Clark
When I was 16 years old I became pregnant and subsequently had an abortion.
This decision, which was based upon lies and lack of knowledge, has caused
me many years of anguish and will continue to do so for the rest of my
life. Here is my story:
August 1977--I was 16 and I was pregnant. I knew this because I had
gone to the local Health Department for a free pregnancy test and they
had called me back that morning. The counselor on the phone asked me what
I was going to do. What was I going to do? I had just began "experimenting"
with sex. I wasn't suppose to get pregnant. That happened to other people,
not me. I answered the counselor, "I don't know, maybe an abortion. I just
don't know." The counselor picked up on this statement and offered to make
an appointment for me at a Dallas abortion clinic. I agreed. I was never
counseled towards anything, or offered any alternative other than abortion.
My abortion was publicly funded.
A few days later I was taken to an abortion clinic in Dallas. Upon arrival
I was "counseled." The counselor showed me a picture of a six week old
"fetus." This picture looked like chopped liver. I was told by the counselor
that at this stage of development, the fetus was not a baby, that it was
no more than a "wad of tissue." I was informed that there was nothing to
the procedure. It would not hurt any more than menstrual cramps, and there
were few side effects. I was told that I would have to stay there for an
hour after the abortion (which I did not do) to make sure my bleeding was
not too severe. They gave me a morphine pill to relax me and said I could
have a morphine shot with the pill if I wanted it. I did not.
I was taken to an exam room where I was placed in an examination position.
The doctor dilated my cervix and proceeded to insert the vacuum aspirator.
I felt when the baby caught and immediately began having severe cramps.
The doctor finished and they rushed the bottle (which contained my baby)
out of the room before I could see it. This tends to disturb the patient
when she sees her baby (who only minutes ago was sleeping peacefully in
her womb) ripped to shreds in a glass jar. I was then taken to a waiting
area to make room for another woman who had made the "choice" to murder
her baby. I continued to have severe cramps for the rest of the day. I
felt sad and empty, as if a part of my soul had been taken away.
As I look back at my post-abortion life, I realize that so many of the
mistakes that I made and created for myself were due to the subconscious
image I had created of myself, I had killed my own baby. How could anyone
love me when I couldn't love myself?
I began to drink heavily and use drugs. I had severe depressions in
which I contemplated suicide. I had, and still have, horrible nightmares
involving babies and people trying to kill me. I still get depressed and
cry a lot. I pray at night that God will let my baby know that I didn't
kill him because I hated him. I long to hold him so much now that it hurts,
and I want him to know that.
I harbor secret fears that one of my children will be taken from me
because of this horrible act that I have committed. This fear was compounded
when I almost miscarried one of my children at twelve weeks. I feel sure
the problem was connected to my abortion. The problems go on and on. I
had never allowed myself to calculate the month that my baby would have
been born. Recently I figured out when the baby would have been born and
was horrified when I realized that it was within weeks of when both of
my children were born. I had felt intense pressure from within myself to
become pregnant at this particular time with both my children. And now
the realization has hit me that subconsciously I have substituted my live
children for my dead child, by conceiving and giving birth at the same
I have spent many years trying to push the memory of what I have done
to the back of my mind, but it won't stay there. I have constantly compared
my dead child to what he would have been doing had he lived. I understand
that most women who choose to abort experience the same feelings. My child
would have been in first grade this year. It's very hard for me to look
at a first grader.
I have shed many tears over the last few years and now I'm angry. I'm
angry at myself, my family, the abortion clinic, their counselors, the
doctors (who can commit murder on a daily basis), and most of all I'm mad
at my government, who prints "IN GOD WE TRUST" on our coins, yet has legalized
the daily painful, violent slaughter of the youngest members of our society.
I hope and pray that our great nation can turn this thing around before
it is too late for all of us. And most of all before we as individuals
have to stand before God and confess what we have done to His most perfect
Originally published in The PostAbortion Review 3(4) Fall 1995.