The Search for Meaning
Case Study: "Peggy Brue"
I had just graduated from high school and got in with the wrong crowd.
There was just so much pressure at that time to be accepted in some kind
of social group. I was quite a rebellious teenager and so people that did
weird things (drugs, hippies, LSD era) really attracted me.
Obviously, I got pregnant. When I finally told my mother, she gave me
two choices: go to an unwed mother's home or get an abortion. So I decided
on the abortion thru Planned Parenthood. As soon as the guy found out that
my parents knew, he totally wiped his hands of me. I was really flipped
out. If it hadn't been for my mother's support during this time, I might
have committed suicide. I really thought I had totally ruined my life.
I just wanted to get it over with and forget about it.
It was a very painful experience during and after. For quite a few hours,
I had very severe contractions. One woman remarked that for her it was
more painful than giving birth. The whole affair was like a bad dream for
me. I went home and was thankful for my mother's support during this time.
She even talked my father into letting me continue my plans for going to
Four years later I became pregnant again (still in my state of rebellion)
but was pretty turned off to even considering an abortion. (I had dropped
out of college and was living in an apartment one state away from my parents
home). I made the decision to raise this child growing inside of me. I
was very much supported in this decision by my friends and brother who
had moved up to the same town to set up a print shop. But my relatives
did not support this decision at first--they wanted me to consider
putting the little one up for adoption. (I had this child at a Stephen
Gaskin farm in Ettrick, Wisconsin. It was an offshoot of THE FARM in Summertown,
Tennessee. Spiritual Midwifery, a book they wrote, turned me on
to The Farm and how they help bring babies into the world.)
My pregnancy was a very positive experience for me and the birth experience
was pretty incredible. Gil is seven, almost eight years old today, and
we've certainly been thru a lot together.
Circumstances leading up to my second abortion were pretty ugly. I had
been living with a man on this farm (sort of a communal scene) we had been
co-parenting raising Gil from 8 months old on up to four years. At the
time I became pregnant with his child I learned that he had been seeing
another woman and had a sexual relationship with her. (Our relationship
was going from bad to worse even before she had entered the scene.)
After I learned what was really going on between them, I was completely
smashed. I was in no condition to make a good decision about anything.
The only thing I could think of was how to ease my burden so I made the
decision to have an abortion. He did not want me to have one--he wanted
to father a child. But I didn't want to have a child especially under these
conditions. I hated him and men for a long while after that. He came with
me to have the abortion--it was harder on him than me at that time.
The second abortion wasn't as hard as the first. A short slide presentation
was shown--"Any questions?"--then we went thru the operation. It wasn't
very painful and I felt really relieved that it was over with. I just tucked
I really wanted to move out of the area and start over, so after about
one and a half years later I finally had enough money so Gil and I moved
from the cold of Minnesota to the Santa Fe, N.M. area. I moved into a little
house twenty-five miles south of Santa Fe.
I had the idea when I was driving down that I really wanted to find
a spiritual family. Inside I felt like I was dying and had some pretty
big holes in my being that needed healing. I was on the bottom of the Pit,
or close to it. I realized that I couldn't make it alone--there had to
be something else, and that was Jesus. I met the good Lord Jesus Christ
3 or 4 months after moving to New Mexico. I never really knew all the facts
about abortion until the pastor in my church in Albuquerque spoke it and
distributed some pro-life literature. I sat there and cried and was overcome
with grief over those two babies I had killed.
A few days later, I went to the pro-life office and learned about a
WEBA chapter just starting. I started attending meetings and had some inner
healing prayer done for my two abortions. During these session, I actually
relived the abortions in my mind but this time it was with the great healer
Jesus. (He was there all the time even during the actual time I had them!)
I gave them both to him to take care of till I can be with them in God's
Kingdom. He has also done much healing in the area of being able to accept,
love, and forgive myself. I know now that the only way you can be totally
healed from an abortion (physically, mentally, and spiritually) is thru
I know that the road I picked before I knew Him was wrong, sinful, ugly
and deadly. But that old person I was is dead now and Glory be to Him that
now I am a new creation thru Him! He has done wonders with Gil, too.
I feel thru my experience I would really like to minister to other women
if they are considering having abortions or have already had one. Also,
I want to help get the facts out about the abortion issue. I want to educate
people about the sad things that are happening because of it being legalized.
Before I met Jesus, I was for abortion because I thought women should
be in charge of their bodies. I had managed to hide away a lot of hurt
and pain from my own abortions for a long time, but the cost in other areas
of my life was too much. I wasn't really free of my past until Jesus brought
it out and I buried it at his feet.
Well, I hope this might be helpful to you -- It's a lot to read but
it's been a long hard road that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Originally published in The PostAbortion Review 5(4), Fall 1997.