Copyright 1996 David C. Reardon. Excerpted with permission for from The Jericho Plan: Breaking Down the Walls Which Prevent Post-Abortion Healing, published by Acorn Books, PO Box 7348, Springfield, IL 62791-7348 for internet posting exclusively at www.afterabortion.org. All Rights Reserved.

This chapter contains material suitable for publication in your weekly bulletin, "bits and pieces" for your sermons, and an assortment of thoughts which will help you to gain further insights into the needs of women and men in your community who are scarred by abortion.

After an Abortion: Steps Toward Healing

1. Recognize that the road to full recovery can take time and effort. God's forgiveness can be had instantly, but sorting out your life and your feelings, overcoming the ever-present temptation to give in again to despair and doubt--these take time.

2. Recognize that it is normal and good to mourn the loss of a loved one. Just as mourning the loss of a parent or spouse takes time, so does mourning the loss of an aborted child. In the case of abortion, the mourning process is often cut short and never completed because of denial or feelings of guilt which block the mourning process. You must courageously allow the mourning process to get back on track. Accept your grief as normal rather than something which must covered up or pushed away. Recognize that the pain of your loss will fade as your healing progresses.

3. Recognize that you are not alone. Others have been through the same experience and the same trials. Their experiences and understanding can help you. They want to help you, just as you may want to help others after you have finished going through the healing process.

4. Admit your personal responsibility but also recognize that others, too, were involved. Pray for God's forgiveness for both yourself and everyone else who either encouraged the abortion or failed to help you avoid the abortion.

5. Forgive yourself. God does not want you to live a lifetime in mourning. Your sin has been forgiven. You have been made new in Christ. Rejoice in the knowledge that one day you will be with your child in the arms of the Lord.

6. Forgive others. Recognize that they, too, acted out of ignorance, fear, or petty human selfishness. If possible, let them know that you forgive them. Forgive even the abortion providers.

7. Give your childen over to the care of God, their Heavenly Father, and the true Parent of us all. Know that they are loved, happy, and well cared for. They, too, desire your joy and happiness. They miss you, but they do not resent or condemn you, because they live in the love and mercy of Christ. Do not try to hold onto them by prolonging your grief; hold onto them by sharing their happiness in heaven.

The Decision to Forgive

Husbands, what would you do if your wife were to turn to you one night and tell you of her pain over a past abortion? What if it was her deepest secret? Could you embrace her and support her without judgment? Could you open yourself to hearing everything she wants to tell? Or would you cut her off short, even with words of kindness, because it makes you too uncomfortable to hear all that she feels, all that she has experienced? Would your love for her be deepened by her willingness to share her greatest secret with you?

I could also ask the same thing of you wives. How would you respond to your husband's admission that he had been involved in a past abortion? Or what if an abortion decision was jointly made by both of you? If you have been able to forget about it, but your spouse has secretly carried a heavy burden in silence, would you be willing to listen to the other's pain even if it meant allowing your own sense of peace to be disturbed? Or maybe both of you are carrying about an unspoken grief but neither has felt free to admit it. Whatever your motives for concealing your pain and burying your past, know that this kind of denial is an obstacle to true intimacy. It will be and will remain a hidden source of conflict, pain, and resentment throughout all aspects of your marriage--emotional, physical, and spiritual.

These are issues which are confronting many couples in this congregation, though often one member of the couple isn't even aware of the past abortion. But can you imagine how hard it would be for your spouse to share this secret with you if he or she is uncertain of your reaction?

So we must ask ourselves: How compassionate can we be? How forgiving? This is an important question which we should dwell on so that we can make the decision to be forgiving before the need to be forgiving arises.

Just to test ourselves further, imagine that your spouse were to confess tonight that ten years ago he or she had an abortion to cover up an extra-marital affair. How forgiving and understanding would you be then? Or what if the affair and abortion had occured only last year? Could you decide now, with the grace of God, that you would be forgiving and compassionate? I truly believe, and pray, that you could. And what if your spouse were to admit that she was pregnant right now as the result of some mindless fling last month? Could you make the decision, right now, with the grace of God, that you would continue to love her and the child unconditionally?

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the type of understanding, love, and forgiveness which is needed to create a pro-life society. The decision you can make today, to be understanding, compassionate, and forgiving will shape your emotions and reactions in the future. Your decision today can make you an ambassador of Christ's healing powers to the millions of women, men, grandparents, children, and siblings who are carrying about with them the pain of abortion, or any other shame. By our decision to be understanding, we help to lift others from the sorrow of shame to the joy of hope.

But first we must make the decision that this is the way we want to be. This is what is right. This is what is good.

Then, after making this decision, pray, and pray hard, that if you are ever told by any loved one of a past abortion, you will indeed be an instrument of healing and forgiveness. Pray that you will not let your own pride or self-righteousness create an obstacle to the healing and reconciliation of another with yourself and with God. When another person confesses his sins to you, you are being called upon to be an ambassador of Christ.

Remember too, that if you are struggling with an inability to forgive others, you simply MUST work your way through it with God's help. Pray for the ability to forgive. To not forgive is to injure yourself as much, or even more, than the one whom you are refusing to forgive.

An unforgiving attitude is an obstacle to our own happiness. Most importantly, it is an obstacle to salvation. Every time we pray "forgive us our trespasses AS we forgive those who trespass against us," we are entering into a covenant with God. We will be judged either liberally or stringently according to our own measure for forgiving others. If we carry about resentments against others, God will judge us with resentment. If we forgive others freely, God will forgive us freely. As Jesus himself clearly warns us, "If you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive you." (Matt. 6:15, 18:35)

I am not saying that forgiveness is always easy. Sometimes it is hard, very hard. But I am saying that forgiveness is always possible, and always necessary. Turn to God in prayer and ask for His help in forgiving others and in developing a forgiving attitude. Let us look for our example to Christ on the cross, who even while he was in the midst of his passion cried out words of forgiveness: "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do." So in the example of Jesus, we see that even when we are hurting, we can and must forgive others. And part of this ability to forgive others comes from knowing that far more often than not, "they know not what they are doing."

People make bad decisions for all kinds of reasons. We all know that from personal experience. These bad decisions are bound up with the pressures of the moment, ignorance, emotions that have overcome our reason, or reason which is polluted by others or twisted by selfishness. Forgive then, not because our failures "don't matter," but because they matter so much that we need each other to recover from the pain caused by our mistakes.

So it is that we see two sides of the coin: "Judge not, lest you be judged" and "Forgive each other as the Lord has forgiven you."

Bits and Pieces

When the people brought the woman caught in adultery to Jesus, he said, let the one who has not sinned be the first to throw a stone. After they departed, he spoke to the woman: "Did none of them condemn you? Then neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more." See what this story is showing us. Christ's mercy is manifested only AFTER the community, mindful of its own sinfulness, has withheld condemnation. In other words, by not condemning the sinner, we are making it possible, and even easier, for the sinner to be reconciled with Christ; by refusing to condemn others, we free the sinner to seek the mercy of God.

We are saved not by our merits, but by the wondrous mercy of God. Our salvation is not to our credit, but glorifies God, who can save "a wretch like me". Do not resist His forgiveness. Do not persist in your belief that you are unforgivable. You owe it to yourself, to your child, and to God, to allow Christ's glory to be manifested through His forgiveness of you, through His reform of your life.

The sin of abortion is the sin of refusing the miracle of God's gift of life. Don't commit the sin of refusing God's offer of a second miracle. It is the gift of God's forgiveness, the rebirth of your spirit in Christ.

Especially Relevant Bible Verses

"I am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake and remembers your sin no more." Is. 43:25.

"No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean as freshly fallen snow.... I can make you as white as wool." Adapted from Is. 1:18.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9.

"When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long, for day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover my iniquity...and you forgave the guilt of my sin." Psalm 32:3-5. [Reflect on the great emotional burden involved in supporting the weight of denial and self-justification.]

"Rachel mourns her children, she refuses to be consoled because her children are no more. Thus says the Lord: Cease your cries of mourning. Wipe the tears from your eyes. The sorrow you have shown shall have its reward. There is hope for your future." Adapted from Jeremiah 31:15-17.

Catholic Points

From Evangelium Vitae (The Gospel of Life), an encyclical letter of Pope John Paul II, March 25, 1995, paragraph 99:

I would now like to say a special word to women who have had an abortion. The Church is aware of the many factors which may have influenced your decision, and she does not doubt that in many cases it was a painful and even shattering decision. The wound in your heart may not yet have healed. Certainly what happened was and remains terribly wrong. But do not give in to discouragement and do not lose hope. Try rather to understand what happened and face it honestly. If you have not already done so, give yourselves over with humility and trust to repentance. The Father of mercies is ready to give you his forgiveness and his peace in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. To the same Father and his mercy you can with sure hope entrust your child. With the friendly and expert help and advice of other people, and as a result of your own painful experience, you can be among the most eloquent defenders of everyone's right to life. Through your commitment to life, whether by accepting the birth of other children or by welcoming and caring for those most in need of someone to be close to them, you will become promoters of a new way of looking at human life.

John Paul II, writing about abortion in Crossing the Threshold of Hope (206-207):

...we are witnessing true human tragedies. Often the woman is the victim of male selfishness, in the sense that the man, who has contributed to the conception of the new life, does not want to be burdened with it and leaves the responsibility to the woman, as if it were "her fault" alone. So, precisely when the woman most needs the man's support, he proves to be a cynical egotist, capable of exploiting her affection or weakness, yet stubbornly resistant to any sense of responsibility for his own action....

...[I]n firmly rejecting "pro-choice" it is necessary to become courageously "pro-woman," promoting a choice that is truly in favor of women. It is precisely the woman, in fact, who pays the highest price, not only for her motherhood, but even more for its destruction, for the suppression of the life of the child who has been conceived. The only honest stance, in these cases, is that of radical solidarity with the woman. It is not right to leave her alone. The experiences of many counseling centers show that the woman does not want to suppress the life of the child she carries within her. If she is supported in this attitude, and if at the same time she is freed from the intimidation of those around her, then she is even capable of heroism. As I have said, numerous counseling centers are witness to this....

"Whatever is opposed to life itself, such as any type of murder, genocide, abortion, euthanasia, or willful self-destruction... all these things are infamies indeed. They poison human society, and they do more harm to those who practice them than to those who suffer from the injury" (Gaudium et Spes, 27).

There are two major dimensions of post-abortion healing, one is spiritual, the other is communal. One woman who thought she was fully healed after confessing her sin to Jesus later discovered that sharing her experience with other post-aborted women offered another kind of healing: "While it takes the blood of Jesus to deliver us from guilt, it takes the acceptance of others to deliver us from shame."

This spiritual and communal aspect of reconciliation is evident in the earthly ministry of Christ. "During his public life, Jesus not only forgave sins, but also made plain the effect of this forgiveness: he reintegrated forgiven sinners into the community of the People of God from which sin had alienated or even excluded them. A remarkable sign of this is the fact that Jesus receives sinners at his table, a gesture that expresses in an astonishing way both God's forgiveness and the return to the bosom of the People of God" (CCC 1443).

For Catholic women and men, the Sacrament of Reconciliation must be at the heart of the healing process. Guided by Scriptural mandates (Mt. 16:19; John 20:23; 2 Cor. 5:18-20), the priest is "the sign and the instrument of God's merciful love for the sinner. The confessor is not the master of God's forgiveness, but its servant" (CCC 1465-1466). In the process of reconciliation, the priest is uniquely able to act as a representative of both God and community. As an ordained priest, he represents God's mercy, which releases the sinner from guilt. Simultaneously, as a merely human member of the parish, he is also able to represent the support of the community which, together with him, prays for the peace and joy of the sinner and the sinner's release from the bondage of shame. Through this sacrament the sinner is reunited with the entire community of repentant sinners who share Christ's table.

The Gift of Hope

"Hope is not something we can grab at on our own.... You cannot demand hope of other people; you can only give it to them. When those close to us do not have any hope, the reason may be because we have failed to give them any.... [Hope requires] an investment (rather than a withdrawal) of ourselves in the lives and struggles of others.

"Hope is transferred only through human beings; hope comes when we are able to reach each other or it does not come at all. Hope is not outside us; it sings in our bruised hearts when some person reaches out to us at the moment we feel like giving up. The Spirit works through the touch of the person who believes in us enough not to give up on us; this action of another makes the deadened filaments of the soul glow once again; it is through persons who give us their light when we are in darkness that we experience the power of Resurrection. Hope comes to life at any moment when one man reaches out sincerely to another."

-- Eugene Kennedy, The Joy of Being Human (Garden City, NY: Image Books, Doubleday, 1977).

Abortion and Teens

Abortion deeply affects who we are and what we believe. Abortion does not simply turn back the clock of time. It is a profound experience that touches every aspect of a person's emotional and spiritual being. For a young teenage girl who is pregnant, the choice is not simply between having a baby or not having a baby. It is a choice between having a baby or having an abortion--a trauma. It will affect how she sees herself as a person, her sexuality, her maternity, and her familial relations. It will shape her self-image and determine if she views herself as good or bad, generous or selfish, courageous or cowardly. Parents who urge their daughters to choose abortion are doing so with the sincere hope that they are saving their child's future. But what is really happening is that they are shaping their child's future, replacing burdens (and joys) of parenthood with the lasting truama and pain of abortion. They do not realize the tremendous barrier the abortion will become between their daughter and themselves. They do not realize that the impact of abortion on their daughter's self-esteem is very likely to aggravate hostility and rebellion against them and to drive her to seek escape in alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, replacement pregnancies, or even suicide.

Abortion and Teens, II

Abortion is especially traumatic and life-altering for teenagers because their lives are in a critical stage of emotional and spiritual formation. When a father who has expressed his love and support for his daughter for her lifetime offers to pay for an abortion, or even insists on an abortion, what does this do to her concept of love? When a mother who is the model of maternity for her daughter encourages thoughts of abortion, what does this do for her concept of motherhood? When those who say they love her, including her boyfriend, say they cannot love her unborn child, or even that she should not love her unborn child, what are they doing to her view of what love, family, and marriage mean?

To Those Who Assisted Others in Abortion

If any of you have ever been involved in encouraging someone else to have an abortion, pray that that person has been touched by God's healing. Pray for forgiveness because you, too, were ignorant, afraid, and perhaps selfish. And then, if it is at all possible, even if it makes you very uncomfortable, go to that person and let her know that if she has ever regretted her abortion, if it has ever caused her any pain, you are sorry that you didn't offer her the encouragement and hope she needed. Offer to be there for her now, or in the future, if ever she needs to talk through what she has experienced. In doing so, you may well open up to her the possibility of being freed from the pain and despair which she has felt it impossible to share with anyone else. Because you know of her abortion, because you have broken the silence with words of apology and hope, the opportunity for sharing and healing will be restored. Do this for love of the person you encouraged to abort. It can make a whole world's full of difference.

Anger

Anger is a normal reaction to being hurt. We can even experience anger if we are the ones who have hurt ourselves.

Have you ever noticed that when you feel a bit guilty about something, you become more edgy and tend to lash out more at others? This is because guilt can make us angry at ourselves, and sometimes it is very easy to release some of this anger by directing it toward others.

Feelings of unresolved guilt can also make us very uncomfortable in receiving the love of others. Their love can actually remind us of the guilt which we are trying to forget. When this happens, we can sometimes become angry at even the slightest irritation caused by those who love us. Why? Because we don't feel worthy of their love. With our anger, we are pushing away the love of those who remind us of our guilt. We are isolating ourselves because we don't know how to forgive ourselves, or how to ask the forgiveness of others.

In the same vein, those who carry about an unresolved guilt may become obsessively preoccupied with work or play because they need to keep their minds occupied on anything other than their private thoughts. They are afraid to sit back and seriously reflect on their lives because they know they won't feel happy with what they find, and they don't know how they could go about fixing it.

Still others who carry about a burden of unresolved guilt may find themselves becoming irritated and cynical about the joyful things happening in other people's lives. Why? Because they resent those who are happy, because on some level they feel that their own unresolved guilt is depriving them of that same joy.

We see, then, that anger and guilt can often become very intertwined and confused. If we are troubled by anger toward ourselves or others, there is a very good chance that this anger is rooted in guilty feelings which we have not yet given over to God.

For example, those who have had abortions can feel a great deal of anger toward themselves. Anger that they allowed themselves to become pregnant. Anger that they allowed themselves to have an abortion. This anger can lead to feelings of self-hatred or may manifest itself in forms of self-destructive behaviors such as substance abuse, promiscuity, recklessness, and suicidal behavior. Some women and men project all of their anger at those who oppose abortion. They want to believe that, if only the anti-abortionists would shutup, they would stop feeling so bad about themselves.

Some of the women who had abortions back when it was illegal describe how they projected all of their anger at the law. They told themselves that their guilt and grief was caused by the laws which forbade abortion. They desperately wanted to believe that if only abortion were made legal, women wouldn't suffer so much emotional pain from having abortions. But they were wrong. Women still experience the same great emotional loss; the only difference is that now there are five to ten times more women suffering this loss every year.

After an abortion, some women focus all of their anger at themselves. As they enter into post-abortion healing, however, these same women may feel tempted to refocus their anger at all of the other people who were involved in their abortion. They may feel anger, or even hatred, toward their male partners, their parents, their abortionists, or even the pro-lifers who failed to be there to stop them. They can feel anger at those who encouraged the abortion, those who did not discourage it enough, and even those whom they were simply too afraid to tell about the pregnancy. They feel lied to, deceived, manipulated, abandoned, victimized, or simply let down by any or all of these people. In many cases, this anger is justified. These other people did fail them. And it is right to recognize this truth. An abortion is seldom the result of the woman's choice alone. Other people are involved, either for being there or failing to be there for her.

One woman, Holly Trimble, has written that, for a time, she became obsessed with trying to "assign degrees of guilt. I agonized over questions like the following," she wrote.

Was it mostly my fault or more the fault of those who urged me to have an abortion? How much was the counselor's and doctor's fault for giving me false information? Was it partly my parents' fault because I didn't feel I could face them with my pregnancy? Am I refusing to accept responsibility if I don't say it was all my fault? And so on. The conflict I felt in trying to assign degrees of blame was terrible.

I finally realized...my degree of guilt really didn't matter any more and neither I, nor anyone else, could judge percentages of blame. My responsibility before God was to acknowledge that what I had done was wrong and ask for His forgiveness [for both myself and everyone else].... While I stopped trying to assign degrees of blame, it was very helpful to look at my situation at the time of my abortion realistically and it paved the way for an experience of self-forgiveness. One afternoon I was praying about my feelings regarding my abortion and I felt a wave of compassion for the 16-year-old girl I had been. I saw her pain and confusion and felt her grief.... I also felt compassion for the woman I was, who had suffered so terribly. I wanted to comfort that girl and that woman, who was myself...instead of accuse and blame her. I wanted her to know that she was now a loving mother and wife, not a terrible person. I found myself crying "I forgive you! I forgive you!" And I was talking to me.

You can pray for self-acceptance as I did. Ask God to help you to stop accusing yourself and to feel compassion and forgiveness towards the woman or girl you were.... Ask Him to help you see your situation realistically and accurately; not to deny your own responsibility, but to give you some insight as to why you chose abortion. Ask Him to help you see yourself through His eyes and to give you hope that you can grow to be a person who is stable and loving and capable of living a life pleasing to God.⁽¹⁾

Hanging Onto Guilt

In describing her process of recovery following her abortion, Holly Trimble writes, "When I was struggling with trying to forgive myself, I realized I was afraid to stop chastising myself. It was as if I thought that was how I could let God know how really sorry I was. I think I was afraid that if I didn't keep punishing myself, God would punish me. But as I learned more about the nature of God's forgiveness, I realized this was irrational thinking--that actually God wanted me to accept his forgiveness and be at peace...'for the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces repentance without regrets, leading to salvation.' 2 Cor. 7:10."⁽²⁾

Grief⁽³⁾

"Grief is a necessary part of coming to terms with a death. Although seemingly unbearable at times, it causes us to grow and gain insights in ways that might not be possible otherwise. No one who has experienced an intense period of grieving will ever be the same again. If a person turns to God in his or her grief, God can use that pain and sorrow to draw that person close to Him and to teach that person His ways. The Bible tells us that God is near to those that grieve. 'The Lord is near to the broken- hearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.' Psalm 34:19."

Others Have Gone Before You⁽⁴⁾

"Before I knew other women who had suffered as I did, I thought I was the only woman who had such a serious reaction to abortion. It helped immensely when two friends shared with me that they also had abortions and experienced similar trauma and grief. I felt a relief in talking to other women who knew what I was feeling because they had had the same experience. It was an encouragement to me to see that they had been able to overcome their pain and lead normal lives. The support and understanding women can offer each other is scriptural and, I believe, part of God's plan for restoration after abortion. The Bible talks about the comfort we can give each other in this way: 'Blessed be God...the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.' 2 Cor. 1:3,4."

Entrusting Your Child to God⁽⁵⁾

"While it can be very difficult to release your child to God, it is crucial. You can pray for God's help to do so. I came to realize that I didn't want to totally release my child to God because my grief was all of my child I felt I had left. A pastor helped me to see how badly I needed to trust God completely for my baby and had me relinquish him to God verbally in prayer. A few months after this I...[heard] a woman representing an adoption agency [who] spoke about how pregnant girls who come to them can choose an adoptive family for their baby.... While driving home, I began to fantasize about how I could have done the same thing.... I told myself I could have trusted the family with my baby and been at peace about it. But then God spoke to me in my heart, "So, you could trust human parents with your child, but you won't trust Me?" That really showed me how I had to stop fantasizing about the 'what might have beens' and truly trust God. A scripture came to mind: 'Trust the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.' Proverbs 3:5. After that, a peace began to grow and I have become more and more able to fully release my child to God."

All Things Can Be Made to Serve God⁽⁶⁾

"When I was so ill with depression and guilt [after my abortion] I was continually confronted with one particular scripture: 'And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.'

"I had a difficult time believing that this could apply to something as destructive and devastating as my abortion. After all, my baby had died and I was completely shattered, unable to function in a normal manner.... [Eventually] God began to patiently show me how this scripture could be fulfilled in my life. First, I began to recognize that the pain I was experiencing had given me insights on suffering, sin, and forgiveness. It also gave me a great desire to live in obedience to God; in fact, my depression was the catalyst for both myself and my husband to come to know the Lord.... [I also came to realize that] my struggles to overcome my emotional pain could lead me into becoming a better person than I ever would have been without the need to struggle.

"I do not want to be misunderstood. I am not thankful I had an abortion. But I am extremely grateful that God has used such a tragedy to bring me to Him and to teach me. I am very grateful that He has used this to ultimately make me into a stronger person, concerned about serving Him instead of just living for myself.

"God has a plan for your life, too. Be patient with yourself. Spend time in prayer and studying God's word. Let God bring healing to you. Each day dedicate yourself to Him and you will see Him work in your life in truly miraculous ways. You will see how even a tragedy such as abortion can be used by God to work for good. 'For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.' (Philippians 1:6)."

Self-justification vs. Justification in Christ

Sin creates a gulf between ourselves and God. This gulf is widened even farther when we deny our guilt or try to defend ourselves with rationalizations. When we engage in such self-defensive excuse-making, what we are really doing is attempting to justify ourselves. This is a futile task. What we need is not self-justification, but rather justification through Christ.

Only Christ can repair the damages of sin. Only He can close the gap between ourselves and God. And when He restores us to His Father, He does not do so by offering excuses on our behalf. Instead, He stretches His arms out upon a cross and freely accepts for us the punishment that we deserve.

This is why excuses are not just futile; they can be fatal. For when we deny our guilt and make excuses for our failings, we are actually rejecting the gift of justification in Christ. We are, in effect, saying, "I don't need forgiveness because I have an excuse. Christ's suffering doesn't need to apply to me, at least in this case, because I don't deserve to be punished. I had good reasons for what I did."

Whether we make such excuses to others or just to ourselves, what we are really trying to do is convince ourselves and others that we are better than we really are. Such attempts at self-justification are good for the ego, but they are bad for the soul. As soon as we begin to make excuses for our sins--or even worse, when we try to argue that our sinful behavior may actually be virtuous behavior for this or that other reason--we have become ensnared in the most deadly of all sins: PRIDE.

The proud do not need the cross of Christ or the forgiveness of God. They have placed their hope on a series of self-justifications: "I am a good person. No one can judge me. I had good reasons for what I did. Under the circumstances, my decision was justified. I feel it was for the best."

I plead with you. Throw aside pride's false justifications. Be courageous and accept the way of Christ, the way of humility. Admit your failings so that you can admit your need for justification in Christ. The salvation of Christ is not totally without cost. There is a price. You have to give up your pride, give up your excuses, give up your self-justification. If you hang onto these, you are like the miser on a sinking ship who in trying to save his treasure ends up destroying himself.

If your treasure is your pride--which means that you are trying to defend your ego by denying your sins or faults--then you love your ego more than God. Cast aside this false treasure! You do not need that cheap coin of excuses and rationalizations. You are the only one who sees any value in them, anyway.

Instead, embrace the one treasure of immeasurable worth: the justification offered by Christ. This justification, purchased by the blood of Christ, is given freely only to those who can say, "I need you Lord, for I have sinned. You alone can save my life." With this simple act of humility, desiring and accepting Christ's sacrifice on your behalf, everything that is truly good will be restored to you.

But there is a price. You cannot have both self-justification and justification in Christ. If you cling to one, you will lose the other. This is why you must set aside your excuses and rationalizations. You must admit that you need the mercy and forgiveness of God. If you do not hesitate in confessing your sins, Christ will not hesitate to pay for them.

It is so simple, yet so hard. To admit that we are wrong is never easy. But when we do so, we are allowing Christ, His arms outstretched on a cross from here to there, to close the gap which sin has created between ourselves and God. All we have to do is stop trying to justify ourselves. Let Jesus do the work. He will justify us through Himself. All we need to do is admit that we need Him.

No Place to Turn

One great difficulty faced by women and men who are burdened by the weight of a past abortion is that they are afraid to reveal to others the secret grief they feel over a past abortion. They fear the reactions of both those who are pro-choice and those who are pro-life.

On one hand, they are afraid that those who defend abortion will scoff at their need to grieve. After all, if abortion is "no big deal," if what they aborted was not really their child, why should they grieve? Some abortion defenders would even consider such grief to be irrational.

On the other hand, those who have had abortions are afraid that if they share their grief with those who condemn abortion they themselves will be subjected to condemnation. They can just imagine their pro-life friends gaping at them with horrified expressions saying: "How could you ever do such a thing?!" They not only fear losing the respect of their pro-life friends, they also fear that such a rejection will only intensify their feelings of guilt and loss.

What post-aborted women and men really want, and need, is to be understood. They need their grief to be acknowledged and authenticated. They need the opportunity to share their grief with people who will respect their pain--not turn it into a political statement.

If we want to be a community of healers, then, we must not allow our political or philosophical views of abortion to push away those who are suffering from post-abortion grief. Those who are pro-choice must not deny that there is anything to grieve about when a child is lost through abortion. And those who are pro-life must not treat an expression of post-abortion grief like an opportunity to say, "I told you so."

Both sides of this political debate must simply make room for those who need to grieve. This grief is authentic and meaningful. It must be met with compassion. Not with excuses or condemnations. But simply with compassion and understanding, which are the keys to emotional healing.

"Let's Face Our Fears"--Excerpts a Priests for Life Series⁽⁷⁾

Am I just too busy to get more involved?

Much of what we are called to do for pro-life does not take more time. Rather, it takes more spirit. It doesn't take any extra time to preach on abortion than to preach on any other topic.

Am I afraid of being confrontational?

Being confrontational is not the same as being uncharitable. Our Lord, who ate with sinners, also confronted them. Love demands confrontation because it cannot rest if the beloved is entangled in evil. Many think of the price of confrontation, but forget that there is also a price to be paid for NOT confronting. That price is that evil continues to flourish, relationships become shallow and superficial, and true leadership vanishes because the leader is no longer able to point out the right path, and will eventually lose the respect of those who look to him for guidance.

Am I afraid preaching on abortion will drive away women who have had abortions?

We preach on abortion to SAVE such women, and to protect other women from making the same mistake. A letter we received from a woman who had an abortion urges us NOT to fear speaking out. "I can't help but think that if I heard in church that abortion was wrong...I might have chosen to keep my baby instead of killing my baby." [Some women reporting similar feelings say that they ended up leaving or resenting the Church because their ministers had been silent. Some blame their mistakes, and their grief, on the failure of their clergy to give them solid moral guidance.] ...We can help [women] on the path to healing by proclaiming the truth about abortion and the reality of forgiveness. When we address abortion, it tells her, "We care." Our silence tells her, "We don't care."

Am I afraid of "dividing my parish?"

The fact is, every parish is already "divided" in the sense that you will find people on different sides of the abortion issue. If we never speak of the issue, we may cover over the division for a while, but that is not the same thing as unity. Unity is founded on truth and is fostered by a clear exposition of truth.... The Word itself causes [division]. "I have come for division" (Luke 12:51). It is the division between truth and error, grace and sin, life and death. [Unity can best be fostered by preaching a message of community support for those who need post-abortion healing.]

Am I afraid of political issues?

Does the fact that politicians talk about abortion require us to be silent?... Some clergy will be silent, saying it is a "political issue." Then, some politicians will be silent, saying it is a "religious issue." If abortion is immoral, where do we go to say so?... If being afraid of political issues is the problem, how much more should we fear spiritual ones, in which the powers at war are much more awesome and the stakes much higher! But we are priests. We do not undertake the task on human strength, but in the power and authority of Christ. Hence, we do not let fear deter us.

Am I afraid that I lack the skill to adequately address the topic of abortion?

[If there is a lack of self-confidence] we need to strengthen our confidence by becoming more informed about the issue.... There is sometimes a fear that we will give the issue the wrong emphasis ("coming down too hard," "fostering guilt," "sounding uncaring"). To help counteract this, we can resolve that our speaking on abortion will always include reference to the help available to women in need, as well as the peace and forgiveness Christ offers through His Church.

Am I afraid that abortion is too complex to be addressed in a homily?

If this is our attitude, we can ask, "How is it complex?" Certainly it is psychologically complex. Morally, however, it is quite straightforward.

Do I feel the people already hear and know enough about abortion?

Most people still do not know the extent of abortion...or the harmful physical and psychological after-effects of the procedure on the mother. Many know abortion is evil, but they do not realize HOW evil it is. Moreover, knowledge is not virtue. [We must be especially fervent in exposing the lie that most women are not "affected" by their abortions. This widespread lie leads people to encourage or tolerate abortion. It also compels women to hide their grief over a past abortion because it is now considered to be socially "abnormal" to grieve over an aborted child.]

1. Trimble, Healing Post-Abortion Trauma: Help for Women Hurt by Abortion (Stafford, VA: American Life League, 1989), 22-24.

2. Trimble, 23-24.

3. Trimble, 25.

4. Trimble, 26.

5. Trimble, 29-30.

6. Trimble, 40-41.

7. Excerpts from a series of articles by Fr. Frank Pavone published in Priests for Life newsletter, volumes 4(1) to 5(2). For more information, write Priests for Life, PO Box 141172, Staten Island, NY 10314, or phone (914) 937-8243.

Copyright 1996 David C. Reardon. Excerpted with permission for from The Jericho Plan: Breaking Down the Walls Which Prevent Post-Abortion Healing, published by Acorn Books, PO Box 7348, Springfield, IL 62791-7348 for internet posting exclusively at www.afterabortion.org. All Rights Reserved.